A Sacred Journey, or a Journey Within
I don’t know how to start. How should I explain what? No matter how I explain it, it feels like something will always be missing or incomplete. The day of the journey arrived before I could make a proper spiritual preparation. Since my last months were spent wasting energy on some people who have lost touch with dignity, I couldn’t focus on the things I truly needed to focus on.
The night before the journey, we are at the door of the intensive care unit again. How many ICU doors has it been, my God? I know we will experience the same things again. I wasn't even granted the chance to wait at an ICU door for my father. I know this pain, and I know that after this pain, nothing will be the same as before. But I also know this: without all of these, you wouldn’t be the "you" you are now. Our first stop is Medina. Our first time going out into the street at the time of the evening Adhan; dozens of people around are all going in the same direction, toward Al-Masjid an-Nabawi. This moment fascinates me. At the time of prayer, life has stopped and there is only one focus; this is a feeling I could never experience in Turkey. There is a serenity, a calmness in the air. My heart fills with peace, and after the prayer, I feel like praying for everyone, for the whole world. I pray for a long time for everyone who comes to my mind.
My questioning of my faith begins in Medina. I feel ashamed for squeezing prayer between other tasks instead of putting it at the center. Our Tafsir lessons begin. I realize how much I have neglected the Quran, which should be my guide, and the prophetic biography as well.Seeing that geography and the places where the battles were fought allows me to better comprehend the difficulties endured. In almost every lesson, I find something that will be a guide for my own life. Teacher, how do you know what I have been through? I think of the teacher saying that the Quran shows us the way even in the finest details. It shows me the way, too. On this journey, I better comprehend that with every hardship, there is an ease, and that there is a blessing in what Allah gives and what He does not give. And that if Allah wills, three hundred people can prevail over a thousand. I remind myself that the only prescription for all hardships is prayer and supplication. We set out from the calm air of Medina toward the chaotic atmosphere of Makkah. We begin the difficulties by being tested with the length of the road. After resting for a while in the evening, we set out to perform our first Umrah. There is an excitement inside me about seeing the Kaaba for the first time. It is said that the prayer made when the Kaaba is first seen is accepted. We enter through the gate with our heads bowed. I lift my head and before me is the radiant Kaaba. A magical moment beyond words. Instead of the prayer I planned, another prayer comes to my mind; this, too, is a destiny. Makkah is as full as it is exhausting. If you go to the hotel, your mind stays at the Kaaba; if you don't go, you cannot rest enough and your body's resistance drops. The acts of worship here are like a rehearsal for the Day of Judgment. Thinking about this makes me shudder. How unprepared I am. Our Tafsir lessons continue here as well. The teacher says, "Perhaps by granting us this place, Allah wants us to start over; perhaps He wants us to be better servants." As a person who is constantly trying to start over, for the first time, I feel like I am truly starting over, but I am very afraid of losing this feeling when I return. Some beautiful moments happen. I feel very well there that Muslims are siblings. The most unforgettable moment for me is probably the 3-4 year old girl walking with her mother in front of me; when I gave her a balloon, she turned around and gave a huge smile; that happiness does not leave my eyes. I think that Allah might have called me just to make this child happy :) Also, the cheerful voice of the female security guard at the gate saying "Askim, askim, Turkey" is one of the pleasant moments :) They have also learned Turkish, Masha'Allah; every day we hear the words "May Allah accept it, mother, pray for me too" from the Zamzam workers :) Thanks to the soldiers, there is a new saying in our vocabulary: Yallah Haji :) On the night of the 9th, we stay awake at the Kaaba until morning. As soon as we arrive, we fall asleep; when I wake up, it’s very late, we missed breakfast, the lesson is about to start; I look at the phone, many calls, I think what I feared has happened. I turn on the internet, many messages and calls all give the same news. I am sad, but there is also a sense of surrender. I think that Allah knows what is best for us. It’s a good thing there is an hereafter. We return to Turkey and beautiful surprises greet me from the first day. I get accepted into the Netherlands exchange program. While wondering how I will handle the visa in such a short time, I find a visa appointment on my first attempt. Extraordinary moments are happening :) I see the concrete equivalent in my life of Allah's promise of ease with every hardship. My dear Umrah friend was right; there is such a thing as Umrah blessing. My Lord, Your surprises are also very beautiful. Meanwhile, the court result also arrives. I ignore this issue so much that I have already forgotten it. Even if the court says there is no room for prosecution, my trust in Allah's justice is complete. This journey reminded me of this very well. I want to finish with the Farewell Sermon like our Prophet (pbuh): "O people! Your Lord is One, your father is one. You are all children of Adam, and Adam is from dust. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, nor a non-Arab over an Arab; a white has no superiority over a black, nor a black over a white. Superiority is only in taqwa (fearing Allah)." "I leave you two things; as long as you hold fast to them, you will not lose your way: Allah’s book, the Quran, and the Sunnah of His Messenger."